Cancer Man: Margie -15 minute monologue

I managed to collect Margie at the correct time and at the correct place. A stale odor clung to her as she slumped in the passenger seat of my car, panting to catch her breath. It was persistent, but not overpowering. She smelled old, like dust and mothballs --a side effect of the medicine, probably.

In gasping breaths, she thanked me for picking her up and taking her to see the doctor.

"I could have got one of my boys to do this maybe," she said. "But they've missed so much work anyway and we need them to work."

I nodded. It wasn't a problem. I was glad to get the chance to make good.

We talked. She was lonesome and wanted to talk. Other than her two sons, both likely in their late 20s or early 30s, and an old friend she spoke to on the phone, all she had left for company was an ailing dog she believed was worse off than she was.

"The vet says it's cancer," Margie told me. "They can't do much for her, but she's not in any pain. She's eating, but the swelling." She shook her head. "She could go anytime."

Losing the dog would be hard, one more event in an already troubled life.

Margie barely remembered anything good about being Margie. She was defensive about her life, bruised about her catalog of injustices and slights. Her hard-drinking, hard-living father, whom she'd adored, had been tossed out of her mother's house when she was in five or six. On a rare, unannounced visit by the man, her mother had discovered the two of them talking together inside the house and the sheriff had been called to haul him off.

Her mother apparently had run through several men, but Margie lost the roof over her head when she got pregnant in high school.

She'd been married. It had fallen apart. The husband was scarcely mentioned. If she'd ever loved him, the joining had been reduced to an obligatory footnote. He was probably not the father of her sons, who she cooked and cleaned for, even in her condition.

Margie said she'd owned one really nice car, a Cherry red Mustang, but mostly she'd driven junk and lived in trailers.

Margie struggled. She'd been sick. Once, she'd been locked up in a mental hospital for depression. Her doctor turned out to be an old college friend.

Despite the falling out with her mother, Margie said she'd taken care of her during her final days when others wouldn't.

"She got cancer."

I don't know how much of what Margie told me was true. There was a certain hollowness in her words. Her story rang of edited for time and content kind of truth, like television movie based on the book truth, but not the straight stuff. Still, I believed that seeing her mother slowly succumb to breast cancer had taken its toll on Margie.

She told me the year before, she'd discovered a mysterious lump in her breast. The discovery terrified her.

So she did nothing.

Not for months, not until early autumn when she finally went to a doctor, who told her the breast would have to be removed immediately if she wanted to live to see the new year.

"It was agony," she told me. "It was like being cut over and over with a hot knife."

After it was all over, she'd considered reconstructive surgery.

"I thought about replacing my boob," she said. "But I couldn't go through that again --besides, I'm not interested in dating any more. I'm past that. I don't know that I'd even want to try to meet someone."

She didn't think she'd be much company anyway. The pain had never really gone away and it had spread, which was why she was seeing another doctor. Now, her back hurt her and she told me doctors had narrowed the problem down to either bone cancer or disintegrating vertebrae --neither had much appeal.

The drugs, she assured me, as strong as they were and they were pretty strong, weren't cutting it.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," she sighed. "I don't want to die, but the pain is killing me."

Then she asked me why I was here.

Farmer Bill: Opening remarks

I remembered my jaw dropping after the nice neighbor lady next door explained to me --gently -- the length and breadth of my domain. It came many weeks after I'd moved in. The backyard was twice the size I thought it was and suddenly the thought of having to mow all of that grass seemed terrifying.

It was a serious commitment with a push mower, which is what I had at my disposal: a second-hand refurbished mower that looks like something Mel Gibson might have used in a Mad Max movie.

I made plans to start a garden almost immediately. Of course, I recognized I started with some handicaps: a lack of actual, working knowledge, no tools to speak of and little idea where to start.

All I had was some vague encouragement from the neighbor next door that the previous owners of my home had always maintained a wonderful garden.

So it was at least possible for me to continue that tradition --if not especially likely.

Over the years, I've repeatedly tried my hand at growing small gardens. Mostly, I've grown nothing, not even weeds. A couple of times, I did manage to create small toxic areas that remained bare for years after I quit attempting to cultivate them.

But this year, I'm gardening. I'm gardening, not so much because I want the delight of homegrown tomatoes and peppers. I'm not gardening as competition with my neighbors or to earn some hippie, homeowner cred. No, I'd just like to continue eating in the fashion I've grown accustom to --you know, continue eating actual food.

So... we'll be blogging a bit about the garden, along with the other threads.

Don't expect to learn anything.

Cancer Man: Margie

I can't say I liked Margie at first. Sometimes people click with you and sometimes they don't. Margie and I didn't click, but I tried. I'm still trying. I think she's trying too.

The path to Margie's house was scarcely a road, it was a paved golf-cart trail; some asshole land development planner's idea of a joke. They'd wedged the only way to get to Margie's house in between a tree gnarled and rocky hill and a steep drop into a muddy creek.

The shoulder on either side was negligible.

Over the phone Margie promised getting to her house wouldn't be hard. It was easy to find. "It's the most rundown one in the neighborhood. It's the least expensive."

From her voice, I didn't take that as modesty or humility, but a kind of vicious contempt. She hated her neighbors because they had more and she hated what she had because it was less. Her irrational envy spoke to mine and the two did not get along.

I didn't like the sound of her voice either. It was coarse and thick with phlegm. I thought I could hear her smoking as we discussed the details of the trip. She sounded suspicious and a little angry, though I couldn't tell what for. By the time we hung up the phone, I was already hoping Margie was just a one-time passenger.

Our rough start only got worse. The directions I'd been given to pick her up were dodgy at best. My contact with the service had said Charleston, an easy transport, but it turned out to be Cross Lanes which made it a bit out of my way.

Margie's directions were confusing and vague. She wasn't sure about her right from her left.

She apologized. She just didn't give good directions.

"It's no problem," I told her. "I'll get them online."

But... technology when given the chance will betray you and Yahoo maps stuck the knife in. They sent me all over the place and so I called from the only landmark Margie had mentioned I could find and asked her to guide me in.

Three phone calls and almost half an hour later, the burly, plainly disfigured women was standing on the slimy steps to her obscure and unimpressive house yelling at me. She was righteously angry and in the grimy light of the rainy day, resembled not so much a person with a deadly disease, but a storybook troll; all wild hair and sickly gray.

Because I couldn't get there, she'd missed her appointment, an intake meeting with the doctor's staff to do paperwork. It was kind of miserable, but at least she hadn't missed medicine.

I tried to tell her that, but she wasn't listening. Instead, she lit into me about not being able to follow directions.

I told her, "You said housing complex. There are nothing but housing complexes over here."

"I told you there was a gate."

"You told me it was busted and no longer there. The church you said to look for is Methodist, not Baptist."

She sneered. What was the difference?

I had no idea, except that if you're following directions, if someone tells you to turn at the McDonalds and it should be the Burger King, odds are you're not going to even look at the Burger King unless you never find a McDonalds, which is more or less how I figured out what she meant.

I never saw the church she mentioned and guessed she meant another one, but by the time I'd arrived, I'd been driving around for almost an hour. I was flustered and annoyed. I'd taken time out of my day to do this. I felt poorly used, indignant then suddenly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry about this," I said. "Call them and reschedule as soon as you can. I know how to get here now. It won't be a problem again. We'll take care of you."

What other choice did she have?

Grumbling and glaring at me, she hobbled back up the steps, while I gingerly tried to back out and up the squirming wormy road in my still new car.

I screamed and cursed the entire way, promised retribution to no one in particular if I dumped the car in the creek. I didn't. Somehow, I didn't.

On the drive back home, I felt sick about what happened. I felt sick about screwing up the assignment and felt just as bad about getting testy with Margie. She was profoundly ill, frightened and nervous about having to step out of what she was comfortable with to ask a stranger for help. She'd invested some hope in me and it wasn't like she had a lot of that banked.

I blew it. I really did. I didn't prepare enough in advance. I didn't double check. I waited too long to call and then got mad when she didn't thank me for showing up too late to get her to where she needed to go.

As close to a prayer as I get these days, with my hands on the steering wheel, I asked if I could fix this.

"Let me get it right next time."

Butterflies: Hipster

A couple of greasy girls with scalded complexions eyed me from behind the counter at Panera's first with impatience and suspicion then gradually dawning pity and mild embarrassment.

I hung back, not even pretending to read the menu boards or do more than glance at the baked goods piled on plates and scattered like glutinous treasure, waiting to be bought up and devoured.

None of it appealed to me. I had no appetite, hadn’t eaten since lunch and dinner just never happened. I couldn’t eat, didn’t want to eat. My stomach felt like it was packed with steel wool.

Standing a little too close to the door, I looked out of place. The outfit, while very natural, seemed a bit contrived for the location: A Captain America t-shirt and a second hand sports coat. This was my best t-shirt and my best second hand sports coat, but I worried that the bulls-eye star logo on the shirt didn't somehow make me look, just a little, like one of the Star belly Sneeches.

While assembling this dubious fashion concoction, I'd also slipped on a pair of motorcycle boots. I do not ride a motorcycle, but I own the boots, which made me feel exactly two inches more confident.

I'd thought it all out; what I was wearing, at least. I hadn't actually been on a date in almost a decade and this, for all intents and purposes, was what this was: my first date.

I wanted to put my best foot forward. The shirt was my best because it looked the best on me. It clung to my torso in a way I thought didn't look too shabby for a guy who only got the gym about half the time. The jacket, of course, negated the effect, but at least the boots were cool.

The point was to look different, but comfortable. I wanted to stand out and that seemed to be working in spades.

The girl in question, my date, was late --late or maybe not coming at all. The girls selling bread and soup on the other side of the register seemed to have picked up on that. I was no longer a potential customer. I was some light entertainment.

They might have wondered how this would play out? Would I just order something, perhaps the richest, sweetest thing on the menu, grab a seat and pretend, just pretend, everything was fine? Maybe I’d get coffee, find a corner and stare darkly at the door until the joint closed down.

Did my presumed date even exist? What kind of a lunatic did they have on their hands?

I considered some of the same questions and decided I'd probably just wander off in the direction of the parking lot, disappear and never step foot inside the restaurant again.

There was booze at the house. I could take up smoking. Rejection didn't need to be lethal.

I'd offered up Panera because I was looking for safe, neutral ground. I wanted a place where we could sit without the music blaring or without the distraction of a movie. I’d offered dinner, but she’d seemed hesitant: too much and she knew just enough to go running, screaming in the other direction.

I told her I’d been married, that the marriage had abruptly ended in the middle of the summer and that the legal parts of it were being slowly resolved.

She was kind about the whole thing and that was what drew me to her. I needed kindness.

A few weeks before, my grandmother had passed away. It wasn't exactly a surprise, but it was a shock and I came home from Michigan a little battered from the experience. My date had been part of a tiny minority who'd reached out, whose response wasn't the usual two-dollar card signed by the entire office. It didn't feel like a knee-jerk reaction.

Still, I kept my expectations modest: an opportunity to test the waters maybe, the chance to feel what it was like to sit across the table from someone new. If I was lucky some conversation and a few easy laughs. Just a couple of hot chocolates at a chain bakery.

Safe. Public. Unpretentious.

She bustled in almost half an hour late, wearing a jacket that I'm not entirely sure was black and a thin scarf carefully wound around her neck. I don’t know what else, including the jacket. I never looked down past the scarf.

She was beautiful, even more so than I remembered.

She apologized for being late. I didn’t care. It didn't matter.

We ordered a couple of drinks and took seats across from each other at a small table. We talked.

She apologized for being soft-spoken, but we never stopped talking, not even when she discovered her hot chocolate didn't taste very good. I hadn't noticed it tasted like anything at all. Neither of us had more than a sip.

Talking felt easy. We joked back and forth. She told me about her job. I told her about mine and what I did with the Cancer society. She told me she was one kind of geek. I told her I was another. Finally, she worked up to asking me how old I was.

“I’m 24,” she said. “Almost 25.”

Swallowing hard, I blurted out I was 41.

It surprised her a little, but not as much as she expected, I think. The comic book t-shirt might have worked in my favor maybe.

We chatted and laughed on and on until it became apparent that the crew running the restaurant would like to go home now, please. I walked her to her car.

In the parking lot, I thought, well this is still early. We could go somewhere, but I couldn’t think of anywhere, not anywhere just to talk. Inviting her home seemed incredibly stupid and besides, I wasn’t ready for that. So we said good night.

On the drive home, I laughed and made lists of places I wanted to take her. On her drive, she texted a friend, telling her she didn’t think I was that interested. I hadn't asked for a phone number.

Resolution road: Incomplete

The veterinarian was the subject of a story I was working on, but I'd met him once before at a Halloween party where we'd all drank far too much. I think he'd passed out around three that morning, crumpled up in a pile on a couch with his girlfriend.

Lightweight.

He had a nice house, an interesting collection of pets and a vast array of hobbies: an old car, RC gadgets, music and different remodeling projects.

Everything was kept very orderly, but it was all in that vague middle of completion with no real end in sight. Some of the projects, like the car, he'd been working on for years; since he was a teenager. Most of them, at the pace he was following, would take years before they were finished, if ever.

None of this really troubled him. He joked about how this was kind of his nature, but it didn't worry and the man was anything but lazy or distracted. Everything was being taken care of as needed and as it suited him.

I kind of admired the peace the man had with what were, essentially, things he chose to do. There was no real deadline. Everything would get done when it got done. If he never finished, that was okay, too. The point wasn't necessarily the finished product. In almost everything he did, nothing was ever going to be entirely and permanently finished anyway.

He was learning things, exploring and finding his way. I liked that.

So... another resolution. Take the incomplete sometimes, especially with things that aren't mandatory. Nobody is grading.

Resolution road: Sleeping on it

The posting in Freecycle read, "Queen sized mattress and box springs," and I almost fell over in my chair. Months ago, as part of a big used furniture buy, I'd landed a Queen size bed frame. The only problem was: I had a full size bed. It was too small.

Still, I'd managed to jury rig the thing, got it off the floor and that was a start, but it was still a little awkward. The ends poke out too far. I've hit my ankle on the lower half three or four times and one night out of five, I wake up with my head crammed down the space between the bed and the wall.

The posting said the mattress was in good shape. It just needed to be cleaned.

Free was too good to pass up. So, I put a claim on it and the owner told me I could have it.

"Just come pick it up."

Easy enough.

So, I borrowed a truck and in the dark of night went to get it. The little house was located at the top of a steep hill. Looking down from the top, I noticed the shiny new guard rail at the bottom and wondered how often that got replaced.

Just a guess, but every other winter.

The street was dark and finding the little house was a pain in the ass. Evidently, nobody bothers with house numbers anymore and postal employees can just miracle the fucking mail to the right house. I doubt a pizza had been successfully delivered on this street since the Nixon administration.

Still, I reminded myself, I was getting this mattress for free. A little hassle was expected.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

The house I was looking turned out to be located behind another house. You had to creep up a set of narrow, river rock steps then fumble past the gate of a chain link fence just to get onto the dark property. I navigated by the stars since the household seemed to have a strict "only use one electrical device" at a time policy. Flickering blue light escaped from a single, dirty window.

I knocked on the door. A scummy looking character opened it immediately.

"You here about the bed?" The guy asked. "It's on the back porch."

He closed the door then turned a light on, not the light for the back porch, but the light for the front stoop.

Right off, the mattress looked wrong. It looked too small. It looked like it was the same size as the one I had at home, but it was dark, I was annoyed and I have been known to make mistakes when it's dark and I'm annoyed. I considered for a second. I was already here.

I decided the situation was still workable. At the very least, I figured, it's an improvement over what I have and I could be wrong.

I lugged the mattress and box springs to the truck then coasted down the hill, riding the breaks and feeling pretty damned glad I didn't have to live here.

It was a bad night. Getting the truck had taken too long. Finding the house had taken too long and by the time I finally got home, the whole evening was shot.

But I had the bed.

It was while dragging it into the house that I noticed the smell: urine, sweat and a sickly sweet deodorizer that wasn't quite cutting it.

In the light, I saw the mattress wasn't in such good condition. It was pock-marked with small holes and the foam beneath looked funny, partially dissolved. I'd seen this sort of thing before, back in college dorm rooms where half the mattresses looked like they'd been scavenged from a plague hospital.

The cats and dog were fascinated by the thing, but there was no way I was keeping some drunk's flop mattress and piss pad in my house. I dragged it right back out, tossed it on the patio and called the garbage company. I asked them to donate the mattress to a deserving family of rats at the county landfill.

The fiasco taught me a lesson. For years, I've done a fair share of scavenging: furniture, food and odd items. I did it because I told myself I was being thrifty. I was being resourceful. Sometimes I deluded myself by saying I could fix it, patch it up or use it to make do somehow.

Usually, that didn't work out. A stock pot I got for nothing turned out to have pinhole leaks six inches up from the bottom. A loveseat I found smelled like a couple of dogs on a two-day viagra binge. The box of chestnuts I took turned out to be rotten and infested with little bugs that took weeks to get rid of.

My list of hopeful acquisitions is long and it is sad.

Looking back, most of the junk I scavenged was just that: junk. And sometimes, the junk cost me something: extra money, extra aggravation; time that could not be replaced. In most cases, if I'd really wanted the item I picked up in the first place, I'd have been better off just buying it.

So... there it is, my first new resolution of the year: Stop picking up other people's trash, especially when it's offered freely. This is not to say, stop looking for bargains, but stop accepting less as adequate. It really never is, no matter how much you pretend that it might be.

Sure, it's true what they say: "You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth," but maybe you should if you think the horse might be a goat.

Back in black

It only seems like I've been away awhile...

Actually, I've thought about this blog quite a bit, but I wasn't sure about what to write. Lots of things have changed in the six weeks or so since I abruptly stopped posting.

If I was to end the blog, the post about discovering my grandmother had been reading my letters would have been a good one. Parting with the wedding band would have been another. Both sort of represent high points; going out on a high note, but there is no ending in sight.

Explanations are in order for where I've been, naturally, but all in good time. I have to limber up a bit and frame my little stories. I have quite a few to tell, but these are not the same sort of stories we're used to here.

All in good time.

Typically, at the beginning of the year, I make some sort of list of things I'd like to accomplish. I am a believer in resolutions, but I'm usually hit or miss with them. Some years I take the inevitable failings harder than others.

Still, I try. Sometimes the point isn't the actually accomplish the goal. Sometimes it's enough to just try.

Right now, I'm working out what I want to do this year. Some sort of list will be posted eventually, but the possibilities seem almost endless. I'm having trouble narrowing it down. There seems to be so much to choose from. It's funny. My world seems much larger than it used be. I'm not sure how that's even possible, but it sure feels that way.